| Heal |
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Written by Robert Segarra
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This person’s passing seemed such a terrible waste of life and such a tumultuous and abrupt end for one so young. This person had lived their short life very much on the edge, almost challenging death to a war of attrition, and in the end it was death that won out, but only because this person had willed that it be so. And even though it seemed this person’s wish had come to pass, everyone continued to focus on what might have been, and on how terrible conditions had gotten just prior to her taking her life. This was all anyone could think about. The first few days after this person’s passing cruised by with little real emotion from me. I wept, but more than anything else, I was stunned - stunned that things had happened almost exactly as I had anticipated them, and stunned that seemingly everything that had been done to try and prevent this had had little or no effect, except to maybe prolong what ultimately did happen. A dark period seemed to settle over everyone and everything that this person had known and been associated with during her life. A once very creative and productive person had suddenly just disappeared from our lives, and there was no one who could make any sense of it. For the next three months or so, this subject was all anyone could talk about, and discussing this person and what had happened had become extremely troublesome and emotionally draining. Those who had known this person suddenly felt alone and confused despite everything that had happened in the past, and despite everything that had come to light in the weeks that followed. When pieced together, it seemed that information regarding this person from the various sources and individuals with whom there was contact only served to add more complexity to the mix. Nothing before or since this person’s passing seemed to make any sense anymore, and the loss and despair that had settled upon those who knew this person grew even greater. But this person’s passing also marked a turning point in how I saw things, especially with how I saw those things that had been happening to me for some time already. For once again, as has happened several times in my life, here before me stood an opportunity for enlightenment, but the difference here was that this time I decided to listen to what the Universe was telling me. Explicit dream messages that I had been receiving prior to this tragedy came back to me, and while it seemed obvious that I could not have changed what had happened, the information perhaps could have been used to lighten the blow. Further introspection made clear the fact that the “interpretation” of the information I had received was crucial, and despite my making my concerns known regarding the eventual demise of this person to quite a few individuals, I had nothing to back my claims up with, aside from a few dreams, visions, and cryptic messages. And regardless of this, my approach to everything since this person’s passing seemed all wrong, especially in light of the fact that there was little comfort to be taken in knowing what the future held when I seemed helpless to change it. This time, however, I desperately sought to clarify what had happened and what I had done, at a moment when I needed comforting most and was able to listen. Naturally I felt a tremendous amount of guilt. I felt as if there must have been something I could have done to prevent what had happened, but the messages I was receiving now told me otherwise. I wondered if there were some other avenue that could have been taken in order to have gotten a different end result, and always the answer came back the same: this incident happened the way it was going to happen. It had unfolded exactly as it was going to unfold. For while nothing is ever carved in stone, certain things are going to happen a certain way for a reason. I could not for the life of me figure out what good could have ever come out of something like this, but there seemed nothing I could do. And then that night when I was at the depths of despair, I had another dream, and in it appeared the person who had passed. The person whose passing I was desperately trying to come to terms with sat beside me as natural as can be, and I wasn’t scared or frightened. The scene seemed as normal as any we had shared prior to the passing, and I instinctively felt her strong presence as the drama played out. And just like watching a vivid futuristic movie, one shot in 3-D, with realistic sounds, scents and sensations, events began to unfold before my eyes. Music played as we sat in a bar-like setting, the lyrics of the song telling the anguished story of what life had deteriorated to for this person just prior to passing away. She had always been one for whom the drinking of alcoholic beverages had been important, and the bar setting only seemed to reinforce this very important detail, because expressing feelings and emotions had always come with great difficulty for her. And because everything was being spelled-out within the words of the song, and through the calm and peaceful attitude that seemed prevalent throughout the dream, no actual dialogue took place at this time. And finally, when it was clear that I had indeed heard what I needed to of the song lyrics, this person turned to me and simply said, “Heal!” I cried a mighty cry that night, and it was immediately clear to me what this message meant. This one word, this one powerful word indicated to me in no uncertain terms that there wasn’t any reason for the guilt I was feeling. I could never have prevented what had taken place, and that the person for whom I was grieving was no longer feeling the pain that they had been experiencing during their existence. I should not have been feeling sadness, instead I should have been feeling relief that this person was no longer in anguish. I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders and the message seemed to further imply that I should explain to others who had similarly felt this guilt and sadness that the time had come for them to heal as well. And despite finally feeling that the guilt wasn’t my responsibility to bear, I felt as if all the warnings I had offered regarding what had happened, well before it had happened, had fallen on deaf ears. But as was made clear to me, certain things will happen whether we want for them to or not, and there isn’t anything we can do to change that. For while not everything that is going to happen is carved in stone, some things have been set on a clear path from well before the point where we take note of them, essentially sealing the eventuality, and this was just one such event. Upon awakening I suddenly had a few more pieces to add to the puzzle that had remained after this person’s departure. A sense of greater understanding greeted me when I awoke, and soon other dreams would follow, and many more questions would be answered regarding this person’s troubled existence and the subsequent passing. Further reflection would show me concretely for the first time that it was essential that we never turn our backs on those who have passed simply because they have passed. Their voices in this plain may be stilled, especially in the traditional sense, but they do not cease to be simply because they cease to be the way we knew them. They do not cease communicating - we are just not always able to hear them the way we should. The message that I needed to hear then, and that perhaps everyone in any sort of difficult situation needs to hear is that we all need to heal. We need to allow ourselves to heal and to be happy. Many times we don’t allow ourselves the convenience to heal because just like with everything else, we feel unworthy. When we are hurt and wounded, we do a lot of negative things. Everything around us will then as a matter of fact also be negative simply because we are not allowing ourselves to heal and be unburdened by guilt and shame. But we are worthy and we all deserve to be happy. And the message that has remained with me since that dream was that we all need to let go of the guilt, and we all need to allow ourselves to heal from whatever it is that is burdening us. Heal. |
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